Some 'This is China' Moments

After my last, somewhat depressing post re: the dissolution of my business group and the cancellation of my product line, I thought I might offer up something a little more lighthearted.

Here are a couple stories that I hope make you giggle - none of them really had me giggling (well the last one did a little), but feel free to yuck it up on your end!

I'll go in reverse chronological order and start with this afternoon's incident.

"I No Water!"
I am working from home today finishing off my recovery from a 24 hour bug that had me down yesterday. Our ayi tells Steph and I 'no water'. At first I think she's talking about the drinking water that's delivered from the service center, then I realize she's talking about the actual water in the apartment.

So I call the service center and explain we have no water. They explain they'll send a technician out in an hour or so. I did not expect that anyone would show up in an hour, but it wasn't worth trying to get them to send someone sooner.

Then I happened to walk out into the foyer/hallway between our apartment and the other apartment on our floor. The door was open and there was a guy in there mopping up water with a small mop and soaking up water with pieces of cardboard... he had started to flood his apartment. I called Steph out and showed her the guy mopping up, indicating that he no doubt broke something that is impacting our water supply.

Then I noticed that the 'water meter box' doors were open - and that they had not been opened with a key - they had been broken into. Then it all became obvious to me. He had wanted his water in the new apartment turned on... and instead of waiting for the service center to do so, he broke into the 'water meter room' and turned it on himself... at which point he realized it was turned off for a reason - as it started to flood his apartment!

Then I get his attention and ask in my best broken english, knowing he doesn't speak english: "You break door?". Not realizing I am accusing him, he says 'yes, yes'. Then I explain 'I no water!'. So he goes to the scene of the crime (water meter box) and turns our water back on. I am assuming at this point he has either figured out which one is for our apartment and which one is for his, or if they are on the same line, he has figured out how to shut off whatever caused the flooding in his apartment.

So we call the service center back and explain there is no need to send technician out. That our new neighbor broke into the 'water meeting box' and turned off our water. The service center asked 'how he have key to our water box'. Steph explained 'he doesn't have a key, he broke in'. At this they were very concerned... much more concerned than when our water was not working!

Non-Smoking Room
In early December I was asked to represent my now defunct (but not yet public at the time) group at a customer meeting. This is our top 30 channel customers in China. I agree to go and present content on Mobile as best we could.

So I get to the resort where the meeting is being held, and it's in the middle of no where. It's a Sofitel, but in need of some updating. There is a fabulous kiddie pool with slides and equipment to climb on and what not, but not a drop of water in it! The location picked for the event is in Hainan - which is sometimes called (not translated to) 'Chinese Hawaii' or 'Hawaii of the East', but they didn't pick a resort on the beach... which makes you wonder why they picked such a location at all...

Anyway, after an hour and a half drive from the nearest airport to the hotel, I go to check in. They start to hand me the key to room 1443, when I think to ask (since this is China where 70% of the men smoke), "is this a non-smoking room?" Which elicits the 'you want non-smoking room?' response.

Yes, I need a non-smoking room, I explain. At this point there are 2 receptionists helping me - which I have found is a good thing, as they can collaborate and make sure they are getting the English correct. They punch some keys on the computer, and make a couple of phone calls and say 'it's all arranged', and hand me the same key to 1443.

I try to be gracious about the mistake, and explain, I'm sorry, you were going to move me to a non-smoking room, but this is the same room you offered me to begin with. The nice woman behind the desk explains, 'No, no, it OK... we remove ashtray.'

And there you have it... need a non-smoking room, no problem, we'll remove the ashtray... So I try to explain I need a room that has not been smoked in before (realizing as I say it that this actually may not exist in all of China). The women now talk some more to each other, and one of them says 'you want room on non-smoking floor?'. Very proud at our progress, I smile and say 'yes, thank you'.

They then talk some more, make another phone call or two... punch in some things on the computer, and then explain that Intel's room block (and I assume special rate) is only on smoking rooms. It's no problem I tell them... I'll pay more, just give me a room on the non-smoking floor. "oh, OK' they reply, almost in unison.

More typing and phone calls... I am finally convinced that we are making progress.... Then one of them looks at me and says 'non-smoking floor, all sold out'. UGH.

Luckily, the weather in Hainan is far nicer than Shanghai, with evening temps in the 60s, so I could open the double slider doors to the small balcony attached to my room (overlooking the kiddie pool with no water) and air the room out... was nice enough weather that I could sleep with the sliders open at night and dissipate the musty smoke smell.

American Ingenuity
On this same business trip, it's important to explain that I was the only person there who did not speak Mandarin. There was one other native English speaker that was not fluent, but he knew enough to get through a superficial conversation. And the English of the customers was very limited.

The last night, they had a BBQ buffet dinner, and lots of toasts. The field sales guy made each Intel person offer a toast to the customers. Obviously mine needed to be translated. What I said was something to the effect of 'business is very hard right now, and when times are hard it's important to have good friends, together, as friends, we will come out on the other side of this tough time stronger, and richer'.

What the field sales guy 'translated' this to was: 'I have no friends, and I make friends by drinking'. When the customers all began to laugh, I knew I had been had. When I went back to the Intel table, I said to the people there 'he didn't translate what I said, did he?' They explained what he actually said.

A few minutes later the first customer came up to me. He brought two wine glasses half full of the traditional Chinese toasting drink Baijiu (pronounced bi-geo). This is not a sipping drink - this is a shooting drink. It is completely clear and absurdly strong (think grain alcohol).

I did my duty and drank the first glass along with the customer as a LARGE shot. Unfortunately, I knew what was coming. At this point, I engaged the support of the Intel employee sitting next to me. I explained to Melanie (thank god for Melanie) that I needed to get a waitress to bring me the same small carafe that the Baijiu was being served in, but I needed it filled with room temperature water. 'Room temperature?', she asked. I explained that hot water would steam the glass and cold water would sweat... If I was going to make it out of here alive, it needed to be room temperature.

Another Intel employee, who was sitting next to Melanie simply looked at me surprised and said, 'that's genius'. I explained that when you work for an International Fraternity (as I had in the past), you have to pick up some tricks that allow you to 'be one of the guys' but still be able to meet with the president of a college or university in the morning. I explained that this was just a variation on only ordering bottled beer at a bar with undergrads so you could go to the bathroom and pour them out while you peed... they thought you had the bladder of a little girl, but man could you drink a lot of beer.

So the handful of customers that came over to toast the sad American got what they wanted... They were able to drink with the guy that only knew how to make friends through drinking, and I was able to get a good nights sleep, having avoided far too much Baijiu.

The best part of the story is the last guy to make me drink was the guy who started it all, that first customer with the wine glasses.... As we were all headed out, he comes up to the Intel table with a full carafe of Baijiu and sees mine (recently refilled with room temperature water). He explains 'WE DRINK' loud enough that a small group gathers and sees each of us with a carafe full of Baijiu. I shoot a glance over to Melanie and Justin, who are complicit in my deception and give them a little smile... To the customer I simply shake my head and feign concern... But ultimately look him in the eye and say 'OK'.

He went first... He downed the entire small carafe of Baijiu in no time... Coming from an old fraternity guy, I was impressed... especially since he had been a big toaster and toastee all night.

Then I was up - all eyes were on me. I decided about half way through the carafe of water I needed to make this look realistic. So I stopped half way through and stumbled back a step or two shaking my head as if I could not go on... Everyone seemed to think 'ah, he's not going to be able to make it'... then after just a beat or two I slam the rest of my water, followed by my little shot glass of water (which was less about sending a message and more about not leaving evidence). Then there was much cheering... The now very drunk, and possibly alcohol poisoned, customer simply looks at me, clamps his hand on my shoulder and says (yells, really) 'YOU VERY STRONG'. That's the last time anyone saw him until lunch the next day. I was able to call into a 7am meeting. :)

This last anecdote could not have been possible without Melanie Yan who negotiated for the carafe of room temperature water, and Justin Van Buren who kept my cover. Thank you both!